3486

Nicht gelistet/Not listed

Courtesy Kallir Research Institute, New York

Neuhaus in Böhmen (Jindřichův Hradec)

28th July 1915 (handwritten)

Ink on paper

24 x 19,5 cm

[Translation:]

Wednesday, July 28, 1915 9h45 in the morning
Nothing has come! – If there’s still nothing by 10h30,
I shall telegr.[aph] Egon, to
rescue me from this place.
I’m half crazy, I now have money to
not go hungry, but I can’t eat now,
my throat feels tight, I’m smoking
||
far too much to numb myself –
– I wish I could just go into a death-like sleep,
waking only when money
has arrived. – So I understood Reini[n]ghaus [1]
correctly after all. – I’m running around like mad
in this tiny room that holds so many
memories for me, I feel like
I want to put my head through
the wall. – And endless rain –
in terms of mood, everything fits together, I can’t
and won’t go out – if only
this lieutenant weren’t following
my every step, I can’t go anywhere
without him being three steps
[scored out: after] behind me, if only he would speak to me,
– I could at least tell him
what a nuisance he is. –
What have I done to deserve
such punishment? There’s no
escape for me! – I’m already dreading this
endless, dreary, agonizing afternoon.
||
[written by someone else, presumably Adele Harms: 1915]
Today I also received a few lines and a
picture from Jenő Farkas, despite telling him not to,
he has written to me again, but I’ll
forgive him this time, as the poor guy
is being sent to the front. Will his dreadful premonition
that he won’t return come true?
I hope not, I still have no
interest in him, but he is quite a
decent person, so it would be a great shame.
But I have quite enough misery of my own
to contend with, so I cannot concern myself with
other people’s troubles as well.
What might Egon be doing now and where is he? If only
I received news from somewhere soon.
I’m going to the post office now.
The clock on the churchtower is just striking 12h. Egon was
always with me around this time, that’s the most dreadful
thing, all of these memories and the thought that I can’t
see him here, [scored out: not] not now and not later either.
What shall I do today with these many, many hours?
I can’t go for a walk because of the rain,
||
I have nothing to read, the newspapers only come
in the afternoon – so I shall stay here and wait
until I am finally rescued – if I’m able to
stand it until then. – I telegr.[aphed] Egon and also my family
to say that we aren’t coming today, the poor things,
they were so happy that we were finally
coming and now I must disappoint them again.
Sure, there are much worse things to experience
than what I’m having to go through here, but this situation
wears me down terribly. Never have I shed more genuine tears
than I have here, except for in Prague, but here everything
is so much worse, [scored out: as] in Prague, finances weren’t
ultimately as bad as here. I shall get money,
of course – but when. Hopefully
Egon will receive my telegram today and I
will receive the funds I need from him, if not
from somewhere else. Once I have a larger
amount of money in my hands, how
frugal will I be, so that I never again
have to experience days like the last few.
It has stopped raining, I could go out now,
but where? I can’t look at the places where Egon and I
||
went without being overcome by misery again,
I don’t want to go to the restaurant downstairs
either, it’s such an unfriendly place –
so where to go? – I know that
I won’t be able to stand being in this room much longer.
If only I had some manual work – but
nothing – neither for mind nor hands can I
find work. – If I could at least
enjoy eating, but the food I absolutely must eat,
I eat with such unspeakable reluctance that it
escalates into disgust.
[scored out: The] Cigarettes are my only consolation, I think
this is my 8th already today. – But I want
to stop – first of all, it’s very expensive and
secondly, in my state of emotional distress,
it’s also bad for my health. – I know
what I’ll do – I’ll go [scored out: in] to the
train station again. – But then I’ll be restless there too
– for I’ll be thinking all the while that
something may have arrived for me at the hotel and
it’ll compel me to go back again – well,
||
it doesn’t matter – at least it passes the time and
the more time passes, the closer the moment of
liberation. – It reminds me of that time when
I was still a little schoolgirl, and one winter my foot
was so sore, and the walk to school was very long, I
might
have collapsed with pain if I hadn’t told myself –
every step brings me closer to my destination,
just keep going – that’s exactly how
I feel now, every minute that passes can be
subtracted from this painful period of waiting.
Then, when Egon and I are together again in Vienna,
I will find it quite impossible to imagine
how much I suffered under these
conditions. – But I know one thing – I
have honestly earned Egon: it is no small thing
what I’m having to endure here,
but I do it all for him gladly, I will try
to get myself in a better mood, I will
shake off this hopelessness –
and wait.
2h30
The station as a sedative has
||
lost its effect today. I felt
even more miserable, sitting there so
forsaken. I suddenly started to picture myself
having to stay here forever, nobody will
rescue me from here, I’ll never see Egon and the others
again. This feeling became so strong that I
couldn’t stay there a minute longer, so
I got up and fled, and now I have
happily landed here again. In an hour
I shall go out again – back
to the station, it’s an inexplicable feeling
that draws me there over and over. Probably because
it’s where I saw Egon for the last time and
I have the hope that it can’t be much longer
before I can be away from here.
Leafing through this book, I see that
the whole thing is one endless jeremiad of
loneliness, wanting to get away, etc. When I
wrote the first lines in this book
I had no idea that its contents
||
would turn out like this. –
But I hope for better times and then
there will be beautiful and joyous things to enter.
I want to write a letter to Egon now and, since I
don’t know where to address it, I shall
set it down here. –
Egon!
Do you know how endlessly I love you? I don’t think
a person has ever been as loved by anyone as
you are by me. I would never have thought myself
capable of such great and powerful love,
for I always regretted
that I could never [illegible scored out words]
return the love of other men. I had begun to think
that Mother Nature had not given me this capacity,
and was almost ready to accept it
– and then you came – and everything
was different. I know that you love me, I was
sure I could feel that up to now, may God grant that
it will never change. If you were here now or
if I could come to you, how I want to kiss you –
long – and tenderly. To never ever again be
||
separated from you, not even for the
shortest time. – I see you in my
thoughts, I talk to you – but I get
no response, and so I see the terrible
reality – and cry.
If only crying would help,
but afterwards (momentarily it is a
relief), one feels sick to death,
– do you think of me as
much as I think of you? Since I
waved goodbye to you, my thoughts
are constantly with you, nothing can
disrupt these thoughts, nothing that
happens here would be great enough to distract me, I
I would be glad if something else could enter my mind;
it is all of this constant thinking of you that
is making me so sick, it makes my
longing for you so
immeasurably great – I don’t believe
I can stand it any longer – it seems to me that
I am already half mad – in the street,
||
I catch myself talking to myself,
i.e., to you, as I’m constantly telling you
how much my heart aches, how much I suffer, how
I would die for you, until I finally realize that I
am actually walking down the street. I hope nobody
has been watching me.
Egon, put your head on my cheek – then
kiss me – as never before – wrap your arms
around my neck – pull me close
– so I can really feel you – –
(God, how [scored out: you] sore I feel inside)
farewell, my dear, my only, if you knew
my feelings, you would never
torment me again with some “joking”
suspicion. How could I possibly be untrue to you, I have
no eyes or ears for anything – I really
don’t see anything in the street at times
– I walk straight into a carriage and it
is only the shouting of other people that
brings me back to myself – then I realize that I was
dreaming and was lucky to have escaped a danger.
||
I close my eyes – and kiss you! Edith.
At 4h I couldn’t stand it at home any longer,
I had to go out, and now I’m sitting in the hotel –
restaurant having a coffee, the time when usually Egon
would have been with me I can stand being at home
least of all, as I reflect painfully on the
wonderful hours we were able to
spend there together. – I’ll wait for the postman
– will he bring me something?
– Perhaps some news –
even if not the money. – And then
it’s back to the station, I feel a little
better on the way there, but then the way back
into town – is terrible.
The postman has brought nothing – there’s
no counting on money today – another
lonely night – I was always alone – but
I knew that Egon was nearby – and so
being alone wasn’t so dreadful
What if nothing comes tomorrow morning? For
||
Heaven’s sake, what will I do then! – The bill
increases by 3 Kr[onen] every day,
it’ll soon be more than 100 Kr – terrible!
I’m going to the station now. – But I’ve
just noticed it’s starting to rain, so I’ll
wait a while. – It’s strange how
writing in this book calms me so.
If it weren’t for this book – I’d have gone mad
long ago. It’s just a shame that I have nothing
else to write in it than this endless
misery. – The postman has brought me
absolutely nothing, not even a
miserly postcard from somewhere or someone. Has
everyone forgotten us, does nobody want
to know anything about us anymore? But this “sorrow”
would only be ninth in line; if everything else was fine.
Those friendly greetings from acquaintances, it just
shows how little they’re worth. –
– If only it were 10 o.[r] 11h at night, the time
before then would be over and I just want to
sleep – today I was up at
5h30 again – strange, I used to be a
||
late sleeper and nothing in the world could
get me up before 8 or 9h.
My d.[ear], good mother [2] was right after all,
when once [above: 2] she assured me [above: 1] that worries,
once they came over me, would make me
an early riser. – Yes, now I have
come to know them – please God –
that it was the first and last time.
The sun is shining again – I’m going to the
train station.
It’s 6h30 now and I’m sitting in the “Stadtpark,”
hidden right at the back so that nobody
sees me and I don’t have to look at these dull Neuhausers.
I couldn’t stand it more than a
quarter of an hour at the station – but the way there
and back uses up some time and that is,
after all, the main purpose of my going for a walk.
At the moment I have a tiny bit more hope that
I can leave at 11h30 tomorrow,
hopefully this mood will last. I
will stay here until 9h, I can’t possibly
||
go home before then, or I’ll miss Egon so much
again that all of my good cheer would soon
vanish. It is miserable to write here because I
have nothing proper to write on.
I hope that the money will arrive tomorrow, after all,
the money for my ring arrived
on time. It would have been dreadful for
Egon if he’d had to leave without a penny,
without some provisions.
It was a great comfort to know that Egon had money.
If only it won’t “melt away” so quickly – I have
precious little left of the 58 Kr. – too many large sums
had to be paid from it straight away. It was a great
relief for me
to be able to send the 20 Kr. to Egon’s mother. [3]
I’m glad that the weather is good enough
to sit outside – what would I do
otherwise? – I know already, prepare myself
to go mad.
I’ll read the newspaper now for a while.
||
Time passes so slowly, it’s
only 8h now, I still have an hour to go.
I no longer feel like reading, there’s nothing
remarkable anyway. – I’m starting to feel –
– hungry, today at the restaurant
I hardly touched my food.
Not because it was bad – with
the best will in the world, I couldn’t eat a bite, I
was only sorry about the money –
I’ll make up for it in the evening: I’ll just buy some
sausage and drink a glass of beer.
I long for the “morning” – but
it must bring money. If it comes not in the morning
but in the afternoon, I shall leave here in the afternoon and
go to Wessely, even though I won’t have a
connecting train there. I shall stay overnight in
W.[essely] – because my only thought is
– to get away, away from here where everything
reminds me of Egon. – It’s slowly getting dark
and cold, it’s a strange place here, suddenly
it’ll be boiling hot and then in a few hours, the
||
weather will change and it’ll be so cold, one should need
winter clothes. – Today I bought a
postcard of the square with the Hotel Central
as an eternal memento. Who knows,
if one day even worse times come,
– you’ll never know – if the
memory of Neuhaus was really
the worst. – From where I’m sitting, I can
watch all of the passersby,
it seems to be “corso” time here. It is
teeming with girls of various ages,
officers and some civilians. The promenade
is no more than two minutes long, so
the couples walk back and forth
20–30 times, always the same
route – a peculiar
pastime! – How can people find
satisfaction in this – but they must
be happy people, waiting the whole day
for these two or three hours – and wanting
nothing more from life. – My [illegible scored-out words]
hands and feet are cold – if only
||
it were 9h already and I could
go home – home! – Oh
good Lord, if only [scored out: going] “home” would look
different soon. –
It’s 8h45, I’m going home.
9h30 in the evening
I have a feeling that I’ll be able
to get away from here tomorrow, hopefully I
won’t be disappointed. – Where might Egon be
then? If only he weren’t far away
from Hietzing. – Perhaps I’ll
receive some news from him tomorrow.
When we are together again,
how I shall look after him and read
his every wish in his eyes
my dear, only dushenka. –
I’ll get undressed now, do my usual
evening toilette – and go to
sleep – first I’ll read a little of the paper “just for
the purpose” of making my eyes tired enough
– hopefully I’ll have sweet dreams
||
or none at all. – I just noticed, to my
great dismay, that I wrote no more a.[nd] n.[o] less than
17 pages today – I must
stop or else this book will be full
before the day is up.
Egon, my sweet dear, goodnight, I go to bed
thinking of you, I’ll get up
thinking of you, nothing else
lives in me all day – only you,
my being is filled with you – sleep
well – and think tomorrow, and it’s only one
more sunrise at the most until we
are together again. – Farewell!

[1] Carl Reininghaus, industrialist (1857–1929).
[2] Josefine Harms, née Bürzner (1850–1939).
[3] Marie Schiele, née Soukup (1862–1935).

Vollständige Transkription abgedruckt in:
Edith Schiele: „Das Tagebuch. ‚Ich werde dieses Buch nicht Tagebuch heißen, – sondern Trostbuch‘“, in: Zeiten des Umbruchs. Egon Schieles letzte Jahre 1914–1918, hrsg. von Kerstin Jesse/Jane Kallir/Hans-Peter Wipplinger, Wien 2025, S. 50–77 (Ausst.-Kat. Leopold Museum, Wien, 28.03.–13.07.2025).

Courtesy Kallir Research Institute, New York