3501

Nicht gelistet/Not listed

Courtesy Kallir Research Institute, New York

Vienna

16th April 1918 (handwritten)

Pencil on paper

24 x 19,5 cm

[Translation:]

April 16, 1918
Leafing through this book after years,
I realize that I complained
[illegibly crossed-out words]
again and again
about being alone
– well – that will probably
be my fate. – Today,
when I lack for nothing physically,
time and again I find myself
emotionally alone – I’m sure E.[gon]
loves me in his own way! – but he will not share
the least thought with me,
he pushes me aside and won’t let me
take part in the inception or realization
of any idea.
If I had a child – would
it be better for me then?
Then I’d have some part of him
with which to occupy myself –
||
the thought of a child has not left me
since I’ve had this
feeling of being pushed aside.
But whether I could be a mother
as noble and – – well, like my own
mother [2] is.
A child – to fight and suffer for my
child! – It would have to be a girl –
not a boy who would resemble his father!
How trivial and small all those
things seem that I used to write in here
– compared to the emotional pain
I feel now.
To watch and draw nature
– I’m not allowed to be there –
because I disturb him! – It hurts so much!
Why does this book see only tears?!
Will I ever live to see the day when I turn to it
in overwhelming joy and am able to rejoice
||
in something wonderful that has happened to me! –
Happened – through him!
Must I wait much longer for this?

[1] Josefine Harms, née Bürzner (1850–1939).

Vollständige Transkription abgedruckt in:
Edith Schiele: „Das Tagebuch. ‚Ich werde dieses Buch nicht Tagebuch heißen, – sondern Trostbuch‘“, in: Zeiten des Umbruchs. Egon Schieles letzte Jahre 1914–1918, hrsg. von Kerstin Jesse/Jane Kallir/Hans-Peter Wipplinger, Wien 2025, S. 50–77 (Ausst.-Kat. Leopold Museum, Wien, 28.03.–13.07.2025).

Courtesy Kallir Research Institute, New York